


David Rose vs Canada Day

by houdini74



Series: As Canadian as possible, under the circumstances [1]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Canada Day, Canadian-themed costumes, David Rose is a Good Brother, David Rose is a Good Person, M/M, Meet-Cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houdini74/pseuds/houdini74
Summary: When Alexis organizes the Schitt’s Creek Canada Day festivities, David is forced to help, very much against his will. It’s shaping up to be one of the worst days of his life until a stranger makes it better.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: As Canadian as possible, under the circumstances [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145771
Comments: 34
Kudos: 144





	David Rose vs Canada Day

**Author's Note:**

> Schitt's Creek is a Canadian show, but it really needs to take an extra step to become truly Canadian. Welcome to my brain, which hasn't been able to stop thinking about ways to increase the levels of maple syrup and hockey in Schitt's Creek to acceptably Canadian levels. (Note, there is neither maple syrup nor hockey in this fic. But maybe in future fics!)
> 
> A note about the series title. Some years ago a CBC radio host asked his listeners to come up with the Canadian equivalent to the phrase "as American as apple pie." This was the result.
> 
> Rated T for language.

David is going to fucking kill Alexis. He’s going to murder her and scatter her body parts in so many countries that there won’t be enough fake passports and colored contact lenses in the world to ever bring her home. Somewhere to his left he hears his sister’s high pitched squeal as Ted asks some unsuspecting local resident if they “can bebeaver it’s actually Canada Day.” He wants to die. He wants to kill his sister. The tiny square of mesh in front of his face allows him to see just enough that he has a split second of warning when the tiny child barrels into his legs. “Moosey!” It screams, shrill and piercing, like someone has jammed an icepick in his ear. 

Alexis is going to owe him for this for the rest of his life. He can’t believe he’d fallen for her pleas insisting that _“this is a very important opportunity for me, David”_ and _“it’s just this one time.”_ No one’s career should depend on the successful delivery of the _‘Have a Schitty Day in the Creek’_ Canada Day festivities. And the fact that Alexis’s future career success depends on forcing her brother to sacrifice his what's left of his dignity doesn’t bode well for her future, if you ask him. Not that anyone, including Alexis, had asked him at all.

Ugh. He tips his head back inside the costume, the weight of the antlers on the outside of his over-stuffed cartoon head pulling him off-balance and making him stagger. At least the costume is brand new. There’s no way he would have donned it otherwise, not even for his sister. The polyester chafes against his bare arms, making them itch. He’d better not be getting a rash from this costume. Despite the Rose family’s inelegant fall from grace, he’s thus far managed to protect his skin from touching artificial fibres. Until now.

How did his life come to this? Thanking all the gods that may or may not exist, he’s grateful that at least no one can recognize him inside this...thing that Alexis has made him wear. If only it wasn’t so swelteringly hot inside. God, his life is pathetic. 

Every day he swears he’s hit a new low and most days he’s proven wrong. After his family lost their money and ended up here, he’d been sure that things couldn’t get much worse. But evidently, he was wrong. The child is tugging on his pants now. Is he supposed to do something? Tentatively, he pats it on the head with one oversized moose glove and it screams with what he thinks might be delight. David wants to scream too, only his last fragile shreds of dignity stop him from making a complete spectacle of himself. He chokes back a sob instead, once again, he’s grateful that no one can see his face in this get-up. 

“Goodbye, Moosey!” The child shrieks at him as its parents guide it away, David can just see them go if he tips his head back the right way. His view of the outside world doesn’t last long, a sudden crick in his neck forces him to stare back down at the ground.

“Are you okay?” The voice is practically in his ear. Barely containing his own screech, David spins around, forgetting about the antlers, again, and staggering as he loses his balance. A hand comes out of nowhere, grasping his shoulder and holding him upright as he tries to find the source of the voice with his limited vision. A giant beaver wearing a tiny Mountie hat appears in front of him and suddenly this is the last straw.

“No, I’m not okay, why would you possibly think I’m okay? It’s three hundred degrees inside this costume, I look like an idiot, you look like an idiot, and I don’t even know who you are, you’re just some stranger than I’m yelling at and I think I hate it here.” There’s a lengthy pause and the only thing that surprises David is that the beaver doesn’t immediately turn tail and waddle away. 

“Are you gonna punch me if I say that I can tell you’re definitely unamoosed by this whole situation?” It’s too much. It’s too much to banter with this person. A tiny sob escapes before he can hold it back. “God, I’m sorry.” The beaver puts its hand back on David’s arm. He shouldn’t feel comforted by it, but he does. “That was awful, you can punch me if you want. I’m pretty well padded, I think I can take it.”

“I don’t want to punch you.” Despite his best efforts, a smile flickers on David’s lips, the costume saving him from the additional indignity of having this stranger see his amusement. 

“Come with me.” The grip on his arm tightens and the beaver leads him away from the spot where he’s been standing. Through the mesh, all David can see is the ground immediately beneath his feet, the concrete path changing to grass as the beaver guides him to an unidentified location. “Is this a kidnapping?”

There’s a low chuckle to his right. “Nope.” A pair of hands grasp his shoulders. “Sit.” David lets himself be guided onto the bench as the hands move to his antlers. “Can I take off your head?”

“Uh…” His hair is definitely wrecked from the costume and his eyes are probably red from his earlier crying spree, but the temptation of getting out of the costume is too great. “Okay, but there will be no comments on my appearance.”

“Of course not.” The voice is low and confident, somehow a man in a beaver costume is making David feel safer than anything has since he came to this town. Maybe ever. 

The hands tug at the moose head, gently lifting it up and off of David’s shoulders. He can’t help but close his eyes as the cool air flows over his face, immediately easing his anxiety. David opens his eyes just as his rescuer is removing his own head, setting the beaver head on the picnic table beside David’s moose. He grins at David, a smile that lights up his face, transforming him from cute to something more. He offers a hand. “Patrick Brewer.”

“David Rose.” 

Patrick tucks himself onto the bench beside David, close enough that their legs are touching through the plush costumes. He bumps his shoulder into David’s. “How did you get roped into this? No offense, but you seem a bit out of your depth.”

“My fucking sister is responsible for organizing this delightful event and Ray bailed on her at the last minute so she forced me to wear this abomination.”

Patrick’s eyes narrow and then he tips his head back and laughs. David wants to live inside the sound. “Ray told me I was taking his place.” David lets out a weak chuckle. He can’t deny that things have gotten substantially better now that Patrick has freed him from his costume. “It’s not all bad.” Patrick turns towards him, his eyes are suddenly very loud. “If it hadn’t been for Ray, we wouldn’t have met.”

David’s nearly endless ability to make a sarcastic remark abruptly abandons him. He rests a hand on Patrick’s leg, the giant moose mitten absurd against the plush fur of Patrick’s costume. Even so, the touch causes Patrick to draw a sharp breath. It might be the next stop on David’s list of bad ideas, but it feels like a turning point. Leaning in, he brushes his lips across Patrick’s. It’s quick, barely anything, but he feels the kiss down to his toes. 

“Remind me to send Ray a fruit basket.”

“Yeah.” Patrick pulls back, his eyes flick to David’s mouth one last time. He’s still smiling, but there’s an anticipation that David is well familiar with. “I’ll be sure to pick one up on my way home.”

“What?” Of course this was a mistake. How had he not known that Ray was seeing someone? He pulls away as Patrick starts to laugh at him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Could this day get any worse?

“David.” Patrick’s hand is on his arm, just as soft and comforting as before. “Relax. Ray is my roommate. I rent his spare room.”

“You could have led with that.” 

The first kiss has clearly emboldened Patrick, a hand on the back of David’s neck pulls him closer. “I’ll keep that in mind. I’d really like to kiss you again. Can I do that, or do I need to explain my living arrangements in more detail?”

“Mmm. Both. But you can start with the kissing.”

“Noted.” The second kiss is firmer, less chaste, with a hint of tongue and teeth and it lights him up inside just like the first time, burning a path all the way to the soles of his feet that David wants to chase for as long as Patrick will let him. David hides a smile as the kiss deepens. Maybe, just maybe, he won’t have to murder Alexis after all.


End file.
